Tired of the same old greeting cards? 
Ever wish you could pick out a card that said EXACTLY what you REALLY wanted it to say??????
Maybe you don't have time to pick one out or don't want it coming from you!
Perhaps you want to surprise someone!


All customized cards are subject to approval by lovelonger.net. If not approved, a refund will be issued. 

Nothing threatening, life altering, devestating, or super cruel will be allowed. These are meant to be funny with a twist of MAJOR MAJOR sarcasism.

All cards will not have a return address shown (unless you want it to).

Cards are not very long in nature so please don't write more than a few lines.

Choose one of mine listed here or in the pics OR make up your own.

If you wish to remain annonymous, I am like a priest and will not ever reveal the senders names! 

Here are some examples but you can make up your own:


Mother's Day/Father's Day Card:
"I didn't get addicted to drugs!
You're Welcome!

Happy Mother'sFather's Day!"

"I bet all you want for Mothers/Fathers Day is to be shitballs drunk!"

"I hope your Mothers/Fathers Day is as fun as it was before you had kids!"

"Dad/Mom, for old times sake throw your asktray at me and call me a fag!"

"Mom/Dad, you were right about everything!"


Break Up Card... (cheaters)
"I thought I loved you but I was drunk!"

"Don't call me!"

"You said you wouldn't cheat again but what you really meant was I slipped but next time you won't catch me!"

"I'm sorry it's not you-it's me. Finally realizing what a two-tining, lying, cheating, poorly endowed bastard you are...ok it's you!"

'It's all Barney's fault, making me think that if I love you,

you love me!

Fucking. Purple. Bastard!!!!!"

"This will make a funny story for your next wife!"

"If she/he only knew!"

"At least you will always have the cats/dogs"

"Billion people on this planet and you're the biggest asshole of them all!"

"Maybe if we wait a little longer, a fuck will fall from my hand and I can give it to you!"

"You're an asshole!"

"Now I know why I have never seen you and satan in the same room!"

"Are you telling her/him the same shit you told me?"

"Don't feel special, apparently he/she fucks everyone!"



"You are my favorite mistake."

"I guess I like you more than the rest of these insufferable shits!"

"You know you have found the ONE when you no longer have to hold your farts in!"

"You suck less than most people!"

"YEY same penis/vagina FOREVER!"

"No matter what life throws at us, at least I don't have an ugle wife/husband!"


Best Friend/Not So Best Friend Cards
"Sorry your boyfriend is a douchbag,
You haven't picked up on any of our obnoxious hints,
so we are forced to make this card!"

"You should take up a real hobby as drinking and cock don't count!"

"Once upon a time there was a twat. It was you. The End!"

"When your finished with this card, why not stick it up your arse!"

"You drink too much! You cuss too much! You have questionable morals! You are everything I ever wanted in a friend!"

"The first step off your high horse is gonna be a bitch honey! Tuck and Roll!"

"I have one nerve left and you are dry-humping it! Go away!"


"I'd kick you in the vagina, but I am afraid I'd lose my shoe!
Happy Birthday!"

"Just because it is your boirthday,

doesn't mean your not a slut anymore!"

"I wish your Dad had pulled out.

Oh and Happy Birthday!"

"Another 365 days since you fell out of the vagina! HOORAY!!!"

"You're getting older mother fucker!"

"eat your fucking cake!"

"Happy Birthday Fuckwit (or any other loving name of your choice)"

"Happy Birthday to you and your tiny penis!"

"Happy Birthday to our #1 customer from everyone at the Nympho's Sex Shop & Dildo Superstore!"

"B is for Birthday. And also Blow job"

"Cheer up Grumpy McFucksnatch, it's your Birthday!"

"4 out of 5 people get money in their birthday cards!"

"Nothing for you whore!"

"To do list....give birthday card to idiot"

"It's a cock and cake party, and I am fresh out of cake!!!!"

"You are too old to drop it like it's hot. Why don't you just sit down like it is warm!"



"Sorry I was such as asshat!!!!"

"sorry for being such an insufferable little shit!"

"I don't mean to sound rude, bitchy, sarcastic or mean - but I am, so that's just how it comes out."

"thanks for putting up with my bullshit!"

"sorry for all the mean, awful and accurate things I said!"

"I am sorry, I really can't explain this to you again. I am not a dumb-ass whisperer!"


Get Well Soon/Cheer Up

"Suck to be You! oh and get well soon."

"You look like shit! Sorry, I mean Get Well Soon!"

"this might surprise you but I don't actually like listening to you go on and on about how dreadful your life is!"

"being beautiful on the inside is what's important.....ha ha ha no really. Get Well soon!"



"Your happiness and success disgust me!"

"Congradualtions SmartASS!"


Christmas (or replace with any holiday)

"Merry Fucking Christmas!"

"I heard that you wanked off Santa!"

"Good will to all men! Not so fast cock face, I didn't mean YOU!"

"Please stuff the turkey with xanax so we can all have a relaxing holiday!"

"Thanksgiving is coming soon and so should YOU!"

"Santa doesn't believe in your either!"

"Merry Christmas. Just kidding, go fuck yourself!"

"I would have gotten you a more impressive gift if you were sleeping with me!"

"I hope spending time with your family for the holidays doesn't undo all that work you have done with your therapist!"

"On the 1st day of Chirstmas your true love gave to you....NOTHING because you're slingle!"



"You care my favorite pain in the ass!"


Or maybe you have your own quote that you wish to use! You can customize anything you want!
The possibilities are endless!!!!!






Get-Real Greeting Cards

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